It is imperative that we recognize cyberbullying for what it is – a symptom of the larger problem of relational aggression.

-       Teenager Dominique Napolitano, Girl Scouts USA

I’ve been trying to remember the first time I was bullied at school.  Experts say bullying starts in about the second grade but my memory only takes me back to seventh grade when a girl on the spirit squad decided that she would beat me up for thinking I was all that on the cheerleading squad.  It was such a lopsided fight that she made a bully appointment, deciding on Monday that she’d “whoop” my “sorry a---“ on Friday after she finished eating her lunch.

I didn’t tell my Mom about the threat but I recalled a story she told about a girl getting her earrings ripped out during a fight in her high school.  And, she said bullies don’t like to pick on confident people. So on Friday I went to school without earrings, made a point of enjoying my lunch, then confidently walked with purpose toward the girl and said something like “come on, let’s do this.”

We didn’t fight, the pom pom bully ended up saying “naw, whatever.”  Words plus attitude beat fists.  I wonder if we had played out this scene online, like the Facebook generation often does today, would my words have carried the day?

Three years ago Rep. Carolyn Maloney tried to pass “Safe Schools” federal legislation that directed schools to do something about bullying. At that time she reported “24% of students ages 12 to 18 reported having been bullied in schools in the last 6 months.”   That legislation proposed surveys that assessed the safety of schools by measuring, among other factors “student self-discipline and tolerance for others, and students’ care and respect for one another and their mutual cooperation.”  Rep. Maloney’s efforts generated scant attention.

That was before “cyberbullying” and “sexting” hit the headlines. In 2008 there were just 42 mentions of “sexting” in the media, and since then there have been well over 5,000 mentions including every major media outlet, reaching an audience of tens of millions. In the wake of high profile tragic teen stories with a sexting or cyber-bullying component, Congress, state lawmakers, and even the Supreme Court have been weighing in on the practice.

Last month Rep. Maloney held a congressional hearing on cyberbullying and sexting, where experts urged lawmakers to include a cyberbullying component when they reauthorize the No Child Left Behind legislation (ESEA) later this year.   This time everyone from Dr. Phil to the Girl Scouts was in the room.  Rep. Maloney isn’t alone – the majority of states have been wrestling with cyberbullying, most notably related to sexting concerns.  The most recent action occurred Monday when Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a new law that makes “sexting” among minors a misdemeanor.

While elected officials and educators are trying to stem adolescent sexting, pop culture media continues to witness the normalization of sexting. This week’s issue of US magazine reports on its Hollywood scandal pages that a “Bachelorette” contestant’s “sexting” emails were sent to TMZ for worldwide broadcast.  From Lindsay Lohan to Vanessa Hudgens, young stars are frequently in the sexting news. A recent London-based poll concluded that one in five adults in the U.K. have engaged in “sending racy texts or picture messages.”  In pop culture, sexting is either flirtatious or scandalous, akin to infidelity.  Pop culture doesn’t treat sexting among adults like a crime.  When the Supreme Court ruled on a sexting case last month the issue was never about sexting itself being criminal, but the proceedings focused on whether an employee could use a work-issued phone for personal use. In contrast, it is rare to find a media mention of sexting among teens that is treated as appropriate flirtation.  There’s a major disconnect between the sexting and cyber-harassment conversation in popular culture, and related conversations about adolescents among educators, pundits, and parents.

At the Maloney congressional hearing some advocates proposed that the Safe Schools Improvement Act (H.R. 2262), be part of the reauthorization of ESEA.  This would define “violence” to include “bullying and harassment”, and create a federal grants program for antibullying and harassment programs.  The legislation is sponsored by Rep. Loretta Sanchez, is supported by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network and has a long list of Congressional co-sponsors and educational endorsements.

My favorite testimony at the Maloney hearing came from teenager Dominique Napolitano.  She was the only witness that focused her remarks on emotional and social bullying in what she described as “relational aggression.”   Ms. Napolitano described relational aggression as “behaviors that harm someone by damaging, threatening, or manipulating her relationship with her peers, or by injuring a girl’s feeling of social acceptance.”  She was testifying on behalf of the Girl Scouts, whose research showed that “nearly half of girls defined safety as not having their feelings hurt,” and that “girls’ number one concern was fear of being teased or made fun of.”

There isn’t much conversation about the root causes of harassing and malicious behavior among adolescents, which is what makes Ms. Napolitano’s testimony stand out.  The public discourse virtually never mentions sexuality education as a potential point of prevention, despite the common use of sexualized and homophobic slurs in sexting and cyberbullying.  Instead the focus is squarely on the technology (monitor your kids computer time) and punishment (should this be a misdemeanor or a felony?).

While state lawmakers help educators figure out the discipline side of the equation, lawmakers like Rep. Maloney and Rep. Loretta Sanchez are focusing on the school climate piece.  How do we create “respect” among students?

Many organizations and educators have been doing just that in school districts nationwide. For example, Scenarios USA is an organization that helps promote tolerance and respect in schools through student writing and filmmaking projects.  Scenarios’ recent work focused on themes of masculinity.  During a break in the filming of a script about sexual orientation, two male students sat on a picnic table and talked.

Teen 1: “If we don’t like something, that’s ‘gay’, that’s ‘gay’, that’s what we use a lot.”

Teen 2: “I mean, ‘gay’ is a term that we use a lot.  And it’s funny,

(Pause)

Teen 2: "...but when you think about it, it’s not really funny."

Teen 1” “Exactly.”

Teen 2: “At times I notice that we say something like that and we don’t realize that it could be hurtin somebody.”

Cyberbullying and malicious sexting are social problems more than they are a technology challenge.  Bullying, sexism, homophobia and stigma have long been a tradition in the hallways and schoolyards of schools nationwide.  Now that some of that bullying has spilled out of the hallway and into the public eye it’s harder to ignore. While leaders rightly scramble to protect bullying victims from the glare of the Internet spotlight, it’s refreshing to also see some organizations and policymakers taking on the root social issues that perpetuate the underlying bias at play.